niin nopeasti kaikki
muuttuu, ettei sitä edes
huomaakkaan.
kun jo elämästä jotain
puuttuu, eikä kaikki ole
kohdallaan

enää ei olla niinkuin
ennen.
tuskin edes poskelle
suudellaan. 

näimpä vittu.
on se kiva ku ihmisellä on sellanen taipumus joutuu sellasiin tilanteisiin joissa ei koskaan käy hyvin.
aina sattuu tavallla tai toisella.
kiitos jumalalle.?

so..
a lot has happened during the last week.
a lot.
i´m not gonna tell everything.
there´s some stuff that i just can´t nor even want to say, specially not in lj.
anyways, kids, be smart, don´t do drugs, don´t start smoking, it destroyes ur lungs n teeth n everything, don´t use alcohol because of the wrong reasons, and remember to always, i mean ALWAYS use condoms!!

i´m still feeling like this household is falling apart.
everysingle day more and more.
and i´d just love to run away.
just run away from it all, have some time for myself and really think things trough and all that stuff.
luckily it´s the holidays n school starts january 7th.
so a bit of peacefull rest?
or just messing with ur life.
anyhow, it´s good to have some time off from school and all the pressures, every ninth grader here knows what i mean.
well don´t really know what else to write..
i´ll be back sooner than u know...

Current Mood: confused

And ur fucking wondering why i´m losing my mind, why i´m so fucking tense all the time, why i´m on the point of crashing down pretty fucking fast.
Ever thought you might affect me?
influence.
all that shit.
did ya ever think that just  maybe you put me into a lot of pressure.
like i´m not setting the goal high and already stressing about everything all by myself?
and then you guys do that too.
Like i´ve said, i feel like i´m never ever enough.
never.
nervousbreakdown.
i told ya i´m gonna have that before xmas.
i so did.
n i´m closer to that now than ever.
so thanks.
see you in a next life.

Current Music: A Thorn For Every Heart-99 with an anchor

i´m really starting to feel like i´m gonna be all alone and single for the rest of my life.

and i´d really like to know why does girlfriends change friendships.
cause boyfriends really doesn´t, girls use a lot of hearts and all that oh ur so cute stuff.
but when a male friend of yours is dating, or starts to date someone, it just changes everything.
like there´s no more hearts.
no more oh how cute picture.
nothing.
and i don´t get it.
i really fucking don´t.
so PLEASE someone explain this stuff to me. !

Current Music: backstreet boys- i want it that way

why the fuck do i keep doing the same mistakes huh?
same motherfucking ones over and over again.
with everything and everyone.
not the best time no.
but thanks anyways.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: paramore-franklin

okhay the next things i´m gonna write here are pretty fucking funny.
really.
i don´t get it how can my life fucking be like this.
just when it´s starting to go up again,. just when i´m managing on my own, being myself and everything, then something like this happens.
i somehow just fucking saw this coming !
i so fucking did.

so the so called story starts a couple of days ago. 
or nights actially.
cause during these past 3 or 4 nights i´ve been having these nightmares.
nightmares of me escaping and runnin for my life.
i wake up at the nights, not once, but at least 3 times, i can´t sleep and i´m just so.. it just feels so uncomfortable to be awake for the next hours. then it goes away by the time i get to school cause i get something else to think about.
but today.
today something was just not the same way, everything just felt so, i don´t know, i just felt so fucking anxious, i couldn´t breath properly. but that´s nothing new basically, i have asthma so i´m used to all that stuff.
i left school because i didn´t feel well. there was just something in my mind that made me feel so uncomfortable.
i slept for a while and it went away. i suppose.
then my mom gets home.
i´m sitting in my littlebrothers room, cause the laptop´s in here.
she opens the door and says hi and i say hi back, casually like we always do. 
but she won´t close the door.
so i turn and ask what´s wrong what´s in your mind.
and she just keeps being quet.
until she finally opens her mouth and askes if i have a black shirt
or white.
and i´´m like um noo i don´t know why? do you need one?
"no. you do"
O_o
hessu died. 
my greatuncle. 
her uncle.
this person who´s dear to us all, no matter how funny and silly he is because of his age.
he had been at the hospital for two weeks.
no, nobodyu informed us about it.
nobpdy informed my aunt about it.
no, nobody informed my uncle about it no.
no-one of us knew about it.
except that motherfucking intriguer.
like you haven´t done enough damage to this family.
i remember when i was little i used to wonder why nobody liked you, why mom would always have that look on her face when you came to my grandmothers house.
How my grandma was always so... prepared.
oh i remember those times.
back then i used to think how can somebady not like her sister.
cause i´ve always liked my brother. even though he´s what he is, annoying at times, all that.
and my mom loved her sister, she loves all her siblings even though none of them is fully family to her.
but after growing up a littlebit, i understood it all.
ha, i listened to the conversations, i heard the things that you´ve done.
and i don´t get it.
how on fucking earth don´t you tell your own family about those kind of things?
if someones in the hospital of fucking course you tell their family about it and don´t keep the information all to your self!
jeesus christ.

so this is what my family is like.
or just from my mothers side.

so this is why i´m probably not gonna feel so fucking wonderful or myself for a while.

does always someone have to die so we can meet eachother?
a fucking pparently.
thanks for this..

Current Music: my chemical romance- kill all your friends

and right now i have more time than i want or even need.
i always thought i´d need some time for myself, for my thoughts, everything.
now i´m not so sure...
cause somehow everything reminds me of you.
i can like see you everywhere.
it distress and bothers me.
cause i´ve been trough with you so fucking many times.
and still you keep coming back.
just when i thought i´d have some time to just be without you, just be myself and everything, you´re not leaving me alone. oh no, you sure as hell are not.
"i´m tired of writing every song about you"
"you never really were that special"
exactly.
but how can you just erase or forget someone who´s been a part of your life for couple of years?
someone who´s had such a big impact on you, on your life, on basically everything about you?
you can´t.
no matter how much you hate that person
no matter how much you´d like to forget the bad motherfucking things
it´s just impossible, and that´s justthe way a human mind works.

Current Music: linkin park-one step closer

i feel reliefed, but at the same time i can´t breathe
i feel so stressed and i´m afraid
afraid of you
again
i´m so pathetic, i know
but i know what you are capable of
i really do
i feel like running, just running away from it all, running to the sunset until i become one with it
nothing else to say about this subject

Current Music: funeral for a friend-juneau

yesterday was awesome. i hung out with jenni, and jan and two other girls whos names i just can´t seem to remember, i suck at these things i know.:<
and we spoke english all day long, and it was awesome, cause i haven´t like REALLY spoken it sinse i came back to finland. sure some smalltalkstuff but that´s not the same. not even close.:D

anyways, today is the day everybody´s been waiting: funeral for a friend.<3
i´ll see all my friends and everything. and it´s awesome and perfect.

cause right now i feel like crying. i´m listening to the black parade and just all these feelings are running trough me. it reminds me of so many things, all the fights we had,so many feelings, messed up days and weeks and months, you, all the selfish stuff you did, or still do just all that shit but at the same time of good memories too.... even though there´s more bad things than good. and all this makes me think about you. i don´t know if you´re alive or not. and that bothers me. it really does. cause i still care about you. even though i shouldn´t. i really shouldn´t cause there´s not a single reason why i should. i´ve been trough with you so many times, but still you´re always coming back. it´s like the further away i try to get from you, the closer you come back..
 a part of me just wants to forget you, just wants to let you be that selfish bastard you are. cause you´ve hurt me alot. you´ve hurt my friends a lot. you´ve changed, you´re just not the same. you haven´t been for a whiel. actially a pretty long time.. 
but then the other part of me still wants to keep in touch, hopes that you´ll change back to what you were two years ago. a nice person who had feelings, who really cared. but i guess that´s too much to ask. at least it seems like it.
i´m just trying to figure out my feelings. cause like i said, i´ve been trough with you so many times but sitll you kee coming back, and still i keep giving you chances. even though deep inside of me i don´t want to. i really think i´m better off without you. you´re just not the same, and i guess i´m not the same..
life chance, and so do people.
i guess it´s just the perfect time for us to grow apart even more.
you´re a million miles away. and that helps. it helps a lot.
i just hope you´ll have fun there and a good life..
i don´t know how you´ll manage to get that but anyways.
nothing but good intentions.

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: my chemical romance-cancer

i felt like writing something here, but i´m not sure what.
i don´t feel like writing about everything/anything that has happened during these past two weeks.
i´ll do that some other time.

aww i can´t wait until tomorrow!
i´m gonna see all these people i love, and see this band i love.
a band called funeral for a friend. and then supporting bands are revolution mother (they sucked ass.:<) and new deadline (they´re awesome, checkém out !)
just hope the shows gonna be as good as the one they played in danmark with MCR.:))

oh and i´m tired once again and i have to eat some fucking antibiotics and they taste like shit.
nothing more to say than : from first to last- such a tragedy pretty much describe the feelings right now....

Current Location: home
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: leathermouth-murder was the case that they gave me