jassuisonfire

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 08:06:57 GMT

niin nopeasti kaikki
muuttuu, ettei sitä edes
huomaakkaan.
kun jo elämästä jotain
puuttuu, eikä kaikki ole
kohdallaan

enää ei olla niinkuin
ennen.
tuskin edes poskelle
suudellaan.

näimpä vittu.
on se kiva ku ihmisellä on sellanen taipumus joutuu sellasiin tilanteisiin joissa ei koskaan käy hyvin.
aina sattuu tavallla tai toisella.
kiitos jumalalle.?

sometimes i just go for it

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 17:04:11 GMT

so..
a lot has happened during the last week.
a lot.
i´m not gonna tell everything.
there´s some stuff that i just can´t nor even want to say, specially not in lj.
anyways, kids, be smart, don´t do drugs, don´t start smoking, it destroyes ur lungs n teeth n everything, don´t use alcohol because of the wrong reasons, and remember to always, i mean ALWAYS use condoms!!

i´m still feeling like this household is falling apart.
everysingle day more and more.
and i´d just love to run away.
just run away from it all, have some time for myself and really think things trough and all that stuff.
luckily it´s the holidays n school starts january 7th.
so a bit of peacefull rest?
or just messing with ur life.
anyhow, it´s good to have some time off from school and all the pressures, every ninth grader here knows what i mean.
well don´t really know what else to write..
i´ll be back sooner than u know...

pressure

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 17:03:25 GMT

And ur fucking wondering why i´m losing my mind, why i´m so fucking tense all the time, why i´m on the point of crashing down pretty fucking fast.
Ever thought you might affect me?
influence.
all that shit.
did ya ever think that just maybe you put me into a lot of pressure.
like i´m not setting the goal high and already stressing about everything all by myself?
and then you guys do that too.
Like i´ve said, i feel like i´m never ever enough.
never.
nervousbreakdown.
i told ya i´m gonna have that before xmas.
i so did.
n i´m closer to that now than ever.
so thanks.
see you in a next life.

tell me

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 18:18:49 GMT

i´m really starting to feel like i´m gonna be all alone and single for the rest of my life.

and i´d really like to know why does girlfriends change friendships.
cause boyfriends really doesn´t, girls use a lot of hearts and all that oh ur so cute stuff.
but when a male friend of yours is dating, or starts to date someone, it just changes everything.
like there´s no more hearts.
no more oh how cute picture.
nothing.
and i don´t get it.
i really fucking don´t.
so PLEASE someone explain this stuff to me. !

Could you help me push aside all that I have left behind?

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 13:46:07 GMT

why the fuck do i keep doing the same mistakes huh?
same motherfucking ones over and over again.
with everything and everyone.
not the best time no.
but thanks anyways.

we all carry on

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 14:03:09 GMT

okhay the next things i´m gonna write here are pretty fucking funny.
really.
i don´t get it how can my life fucking be like this.
just when it´s starting to go up again,. just when i´m managing on my own, being myself and everything, then something like this happens.
i somehow just fucking saw this coming !
i so fucking did.

so the so called story starts a couple of days ago.
or nights actially.
cause during these past 3 or 4 nights i´ve been having these nightmares.
nightmares of me escaping and runnin for my life.
i wake up at the nights, not once, but at least 3 times, i can´t sleep and i´m just so.. it just feels so uncomfortable to be awake for the next hours. then it goes away by the time i get to school cause i get something else to think about.
but today.
today something was just not the same way, everything just felt so, i don´t know, i just felt so fucking anxious, i couldn´t breath properly. but that´s nothing new basically, i have asthma so i´m used to all that stuff.
i left school because i didn´t feel well. there was just something in my mind that made me feel so uncomfortable.
i slept for a while and it went away. i suppose.
then my mom gets home.
i´m sitting in my littlebrothers room, cause the laptop´s in here.
she opens the door and says hi and i say hi back, casually like we always do.
but she won´t close the door.
so i turn and ask what´s wrong what´s in your mind.
and she just keeps being quet.
until she finally opens her mouth and askes if i have a black shirt
or white.
and i´´m like um noo i don´t know why? do you need one?
"no. you do"
O_o
hessu died.
my greatuncle.
her uncle.
this person who´s dear to us all, no matter how funny and silly he is because of his age.
he had been at the hospital for two weeks.
no, nobodyu informed us about it.
nobpdy informed my aunt about it.
no, nobody informed my uncle about it no.
no-one of us knew about it.
except that motherfucking intriguer.
like you haven´t done enough damage to this family.
i remember when i was little i used to wonder why nobody liked you, why mom would always have that look on her face when you came to my grandmothers house.
How my grandma was always so... prepared.
oh i remember those times.
back then i used to think how can somebady not like her sister.
cause i´ve always liked my brother. even though he´s what he is, annoying at times, all that.
and my mom loved her sister, she loves all her siblings even though none of them is fully family to her.
but after growing up a littlebit, i understood it all.
ha, i listened to the conversations, i heard the things that you´ve done.
and i don´t get it.
how on fucking earth don´t you tell your own family about those kind of things?
if someones in the hospital of fucking course you tell their family about it and don´t keep the information all to your self!
jeesus christ.

so this is what my family is like.
or just from my mothers side.

so this is why i´m probably not gonna feel so fucking wonderful or myself for a while.

does always someone have to die so we can meet eachother?
a fucking pparently.
thanks for this..

my stomach is fucking killing me

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 08:10:11 GMT

and right now i have more time than i want or even need.
i always thought i´d need some time for myself, for my thoughts, everything.
now i´m not so sure...
cause somehow everything reminds me of you.
i can like see you everywhere.
it distress and bothers me.
cause i´ve been trough with you so fucking many times.
and still you keep coming back.
just when i thought i´d have some time to just be without you, just be myself and everything, you´re not leaving me alone. oh no, you sure as hell are not.
"i´m tired of writing every song about you"
"you never really were that special"
exactly.
but how can you just erase or forget someone who´s been a part of your life for couple of years?
someone who´s had such a big impact on you, on your life, on basically everything about you?
you can´t.
no matter how much you hate that person
no matter how much you´d like to forget the bad motherfucking things
it´s just impossible, and that´s justthe way a human mind works.

you called

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 15:32:50 GMT

i feel reliefed, but at the same time i can´t breathe
i feel so stressed and i´m afraid
afraid of you
again
i´m so pathetic, i know
but i know what you are capable of
i really do
i feel like running, just running away from it all, running to the sunset until i become one with it
nothing else to say about this subject

and if your heart stops beating

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 07:37:32 GMT

yesterday was awesome. i hung out with jenni, and jan and two other girls whos names i just can´t seem to remember, i suck at these things i know.:<
and we spoke english all day long, and it was awesome, cause i haven´t like REALLY spoken it sinse i came back to finland. sure some smalltalkstuff but that´s not the same. not even close.:D

anyways, today is the day everybody´s been waiting: funeral for a friend.<3
i´ll see all my friends and everything. and it´s awesome and perfect.

cause right now i feel like crying. i´m listening to the black parade and just all these feelings are running trough me. it reminds me of so many things, all the fights we had,so many feelings, messed up days and weeks and months, you, all the selfish stuff you did, or still do just all that shit but at the same time of good memories too.... even though there´s more bad things than good. and all this makes me think about you. i don´t know if you´re alive or not. and that bothers me. it really does. cause i still care about you. even though i shouldn´t. i really shouldn´t cause there´s not a single reason why i should. i´ve been trough with you so many times, but still you´re always coming back. it´s like the further away i try to get from you, the closer you come back..
a part of me just wants to forget you, just wants to let you be that selfish bastard you are. cause you´ve hurt me alot. you´ve hurt my friends a lot. you´ve changed, you´re just not the same. you haven´t been for a whiel. actially a pretty long time..
but then the other part of me still wants to keep in touch, hopes that you´ll change back to what you were two years ago. a nice person who had feelings, who really cared. but i guess that´s too much to ask. at least it seems like it.
i´m just trying to figure out my feelings. cause like i said, i´ve been trough with you so many times but sitll you kee coming back, and still i keep giving you chances. even though deep inside of me i don´t want to. i really think i´m better off without you. you´re just not the same, and i guess i´m not the same..
life chance, and so do people.
i guess it´s just the perfect time for us to grow apart even more.
you´re a million miles away. and that helps. it helps a lot.
i just hope you´ll have fun there and a good life..
i don´t know how you´ll manage to get that but anyways.
nothing but good intentions.

well...

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 10:59:04 GMT

i felt like writing something here, but i´m not sure what.
i don´t feel like writing about everything/anything that has happened during these past two weeks.
i´ll do that some other time.

aww i can´t wait until tomorrow!
i´m gonna see all these people i love, and see this band i love.
a band called funeral for a friend. and then supporting bands are revolution mother (they sucked ass.:<) and new deadline (they´re awesome, checkém out !)
just hope the shows gonna be as good as the one they played in danmark with MCR.:))

oh and i´m tired once again and i have to eat some fucking antibiotics and they taste like shit.
nothing more to say than : from first to last- such a tragedy pretty much describe the feelings right now....

we might fall apart. in fact we already have.

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 14:56:48 GMT

i never wanted it to be this way.
i never wanted you to change, you´ve become so arrogant and selfish, you have no idea.
you´re always there to point at my mistakes, i´m always the one who can´t do nothing right.
but did you ever even for a second think that maybe sometimes, just some fucking times, it is your fault, no one elses, but your.
i guess not, cause here i am, feeling sorry for everything that has happened in the past two years, every argument, every fight, every promise, every "i´m sorry let´s be friends again", just everything.
you´ve become so cold, you don´t care anymore for anyone else but yourself, and still you excpect people to treat you like the most precious thing in the world, to treat you the way you never treat people.
but i can see right trough your lies, right trough those sugar coated lies of yours.
and i can assure you, i´m not the only one, no, i sure as hell am not the only one.
so when your time comes, that´s soon sweetie, and we´re trough with you, we´ll all be trough with you, it is no one elses fault but yours, your own, no one elses, yours, entirely yours.
you´ve had so many chances to change, but you didn´t.
no, you decided to be a little more arrogant, a little more selfish, a little more everything that the nice sweet girl i
used to know was. and that´s sad. cause you really ment something to me, you really were special before you thought you came oh so famous. and your so called fame has nothing to do with your looks, nothing to do with anything else but the fact that you´re a mean lying traitor who will turn her back as soon as you´re not worth her attention, with the fact that you insult everysingleone you see.
i really miss that person i knew couple of years ago, the person that was true and really cared about her friends.
but as we´ve noticed, people change, sometimes to the better, sometimes to the worse. that´s called life.
don´t come crying back to me, cause you´ve had your chances and you blew them.

asfd

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 14:20:55 GMT

jeez, why are relationships so fucking difficult?
why do you have to trust people that you know can´t be trusted?
why do you let them get close to ya even though you know they´ll just hurt you?
whywhywhy